Confessions from The Invisible Soft Girl.

I’m Strong Cause I have to be, Not cause I want to be ; and I am Tired.

I could use somebody….

Just cause I can handle it alone doesn’t mean this shit isn’t fucking hard.

I don’t really know why I seem to be someone folks only want to see as okay. It’s like they can’t handle when I am struggling emotionally. Whether I am hurt, sad, depressed, overwhelmed, anxious or traumatized. The people in my life can’t be there with me.

It’s something I have known and struggled with since I was like 12.

It hurts cause I see so many people are seen & loved on when they share their struggles.

It is hard not to take it personally when I am left to sort my shit out on my own. Or worse, find myself begging and flailing trying to be seen.

My younger self tells me to forget it. Accept I am on my own and just move accordingly.

But man I am tired. Tired of being alone when all I want is to be held and told it will all be okay. To be safe enough to be sad when I am sad and not be rejected for it. Tired of being told that I am just not doing it right and only when I emote acceptably or when I have done enough for someone else will they be able to care for me when I am on the ground trying to figure out how to get up.

How can I focus on making a comfortable space for someone to be there for me when I am in the eye of a storm?

How can I mute my “inconvenient” feelings while trying to process them?

How can I be my authentic self if it means I’ll be alone when I need people the most? Or is that just a part of it?

I spend so much time trying to be seen. Trying to prove myself worthy of a hand to hold through my toughest times.

It’s exhausting. Letting the fact that folks don’t see the soft, vulnerable woman I am make me question if she is there my damn-self is not serving me, all it is doing is costing me my peace.

My dad used to always say “ There is nothing in this world more powerful than a made up mind”

I know that to be true.

Once folks decide who you are in their mind, you’ll be hard pressed to try and convince them otherwise.

People are gonna see us how they see us and it’s none of our business.

It’s when I am in the midst of tough times that this is a really hard thing to live with. Cause it would be so much easier if I didn’t have to work to prove or perform my softness. If there wasn’t an assumption of strength or worse anger.

When the adjective “strong” is associated with you, that filter makes every emotion on the spectrum look like the angry version to those who only see your strength when they look at you.

It’s a trigger for me (and I am sure most black women) to be seen as angry when really we are aching from the trials and tribulations of life.

On one hand I kinda get it. I had to work hard to get to how I was feeling beneath my anger shield. Now that I do I guess I just thought me being able to access how I feel more vulnerably would be seen by those closest to me.

Maybe it doesn’t work like that.

Doing what I can to stay grounded, take care of myself, create a safe space within & keep going. For her…

I see the soft me, I love the soft me, I honor the soft me.

For now that will have to be enough.

Peace & Love

Tasha B.

Ps. Check on your strong friends.